Professional Rant

Today I am sick and tired. Of my job, mainly. Today I don’t want to smile and pretend that I find you funny, or that I want to talk to you. All I really want is to slap you in the face. No, not slap, but punch. Because part of me growing as a person means I’ve become more assertive. So, in my mind, when I assault people, I no longer do it with a polite, Victorian slap. Fuck it, I didn’t do Taebo as a teenager for nothing. BILLY BLANKS!!!

You know what I hate most?

EVERYTHING:

-         The office

-         The work

-         THE PEOPLE – ALL THE PEOPLE

 I feel very lucky to have a job. I’m happy that it gives me the opportunity to do things I love doing – like eating chocolate. Most days I am okay. But today I feel like I am going to explode. I’m so angry and I don’t really allow myself to get angry very often, because I’m afraid men won’t find me attractive. However, on this day, I’m willing to risk a life of loneliness and being eaten by my very own cats. And you know what?! I couldn’t even blame them. I’m not a big cat fan anyway.

Hates duplicity

 Like I said, this day isn’t much different to any other. Every now and then I get this feeling. Most times I can laugh about it. “Ha-ha!” that’s the sound of laughter, right? That’s certainly the sound the voices in my head make when they taunt me. They can be cruel. Funny, but cruel. So, even whilst wading in my pool of anger, I know it’s not the job. It’s me.

 Yes, like with most things in my life, the problem lies - with me. Can’t I just blame someone else for once?! Like Freddy Krueger, he was really nasty. But since Freddy Krueger has nothing to with this, not that I’m aware of, I’ve had to do that little thing called introspection. What I’ve learnt from working is that I’m not the easiest person to be around. I am incredibly short and moody. It’s that rare kind of S&M no one likes.  A lot of my gripes are as a result of my unrealistic Hollywood expectations not coming to fruition. I know it’s rude and wrong for me to scowl at the office boy because he’s not Donald Glover. 

I'm sorry(you're not this) office boy

Thing is, I’m still a person, with sensibilities. Certain things are going to make me feel sad. I’m aware that I can be over sensitive, but, at the same time, I think, there are situations that should upset you. And, I guess, it’s that feeling of helplessness in the wake of that anger that’s getting to me. If I see something that I am morally averse to, what am I going to do about it? In this instance, did I speak up? No. Instead, I wrote this. And for that I feel like a bit of a coward. I’m not sure what this means. Other than that I have a lot to consider. Which itself will take time and patience, something I’m not at all good at. It’s definitely going to be a challenge. Sometimes it just feels like no matter how hard you try, you can’t escape that nagging feeling. That voice inside, whispering, “Is this it?”

It's actually Billy Blanks, the mouse, whispering

 

A Letter to my Future Boyfriend

Firstly, congratulations! You get to be in a relationship with me. Secondly, thank you, because it’s not going to be easy. I assume you already know this on some or other level since I wouldn’t be calling you my boyfriend without us knowing some of our least appealing qualities. For example, I think I am extremely funny - this letter is a long drawn out example of that. Initially, it was meant as a how to on how to date me, with lists of my faults and tips on how to deal with them. I decided against that because there really are just too many to mention. So, instead, I should perhaps share my hopes, dreams and fears for the future with you. We should know that about each other, right?  I’m sure you have dreams. Maybe I’ll even end up sharing them with you, if they’re not boring. And if they are, I’ll just pretend I do because I want to be a good partner to you.

I’m not sleeping I’m just concentrating really hard

 We should by now know a few of each other’s likes and dislikes. I’m also sure we’re still pretending that we like stuff about each other that we don’t, but you probably like having sex and I have no qualms about withholding it, so this may continue for awhile. That’s normal and will pass.  If you’re asking, “The pretence or the sex?” My answer: “Let’s not kill all the mystery just yet.” So be prepared for marathon screenings of Cougar Town where I’ll point out all the scenes I find funny(you find them funny too, by the way). You’ll also have to listen to my compositions on the guitar, keeping in mind that I only know five chords.

Sing along. Duck, chicken, goat, rabbit, dooooooog!

Since you’re reading this I’m guessing you may want to take a look at some of the other posts. Like this one! I look really cute in that picture, don’t you think? Turn away, you could be there for hours. BEWARE: Not all my posts are as magical or enchanting. A few deal with how not good I can occasionally be in relationships. How I am grumpy, lazy, delusional and neurotic. Yes, I get a little crazy, and not the good in the club kind of crazy.

Sometimes I’m both at the same time

But there are nice things about me too. Look, I like making food. And when I’m not obsessing about what our converging thoughts on the meaning of the word ‘space’ could be, I’ll want to hear you talk about yourself and the things you like. I want to get to know you, you know. That’s an exciting as well as terrifying thought. I’m probably more excited than terrified, but so as not to freak you out, I’ll try to hide this fact. There’ll be jumping, skipping and silly dance moves for no reason. Sorry, and feel free to leave the room. No, don’t(!) because that might just hurt my feelings and seems a bit harsh for an expression of joy. Getting back on track, I suppose what I’ve been trying to say is that clearly I am not perfect, but that means you don’t have to be perfect either. For instance, you may not have great taste in music, and yes I will judge you for that, but I’m not going anywhere. Oh! That’s another one of my annoying qualities – I’m like a bulldog. I’m a stubborn bitch!

Let’s cuddle

Letting go isn’t easy for me, because getting involved isn’t easy in the 1^st place. That’s not your responsibility, I know, but it’s something of which I feel you should be aware. I’ve spent a large chunk of my life pretending that I’m cool with things that I’m not. I used to think this was part of growing up but after being slapped countless times in the face by my own stupidity, I realized something – I am not cool. I can’t not care, even if it’s the one thing I really want to do at the time. In actual fact, I care more when I try not to – such joy! One of the main reasons I behaved in this way was because I thought it was what men wanted. If there was a remote chance that a guy would find something I did unattractive, I wouldn’t do it. 

No, I’m not choking. Want to make out?

So dumb, I know! But just because I can be silly (and it’s only really most of the time), doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I have a heart too. And if reading this has freaked you out to the point where you’d rather pretend to be washing your hair than hang out with me, then you should probably put down that cupcake I baked for you and go. However, if you’re only slightly freaked out but still keen, then get over here, right now, and give me a kiss!

Custard Slices

HA! I laugh because the title of this post was a shameless ruse set in order to lure you in. If you are reading this consider yourself rused! Yes, there’ll be some small discussion about custard slices, but mostly I’ll be complaining about how I was sick this weekend. So, yes, I was sick this weekend. It was okay, I guess, I slept a lot because that’s mostly all my body would permit me to do because everything else required too much energy.

Now usually I relish the idea of lying around doing nothing. It’s one of my things. However, this weekend was different because I actually had plans. Plans that involved real people, doing fun things people do together in groups. No, it wasn’t an orgy, because sex is NOT fun. I imagined my weekend to be filled with laughter and obscene amounts of high-fiving.

This over sex any day

I do spend a lot of time alone so in this instance it wasn’t the being at home alone aspect that bothered me. In other instances I just cry. Anyway, the fact was that I couldn’t even do the stuff I enjoy doing like cooking or baking or dancing “badly” but secretly believing it’s awesome. Sometimes I even relish doing things on my own because I get to try all sorts of stuff I’ve been dying to do and if it’s a flop who cares there’s only me and no one ever has to know. Stuff like this:

BACON HOUSE!!!

Bacon House dreams deferred I instead had to settle for custard slices. Settle is a strong even harsh word as I do love a good custard confection. I have always been slightly wary about making my own custard though since there is always a chance of lumps and anything lumpy is not going near my mouth, I am a lady, afterall. But I found this really easy and delicious recipe on smitten kitchen, my now go to food blog. Then I popped some shop bought puff pastry in the oven, filled it with the custard and topped with icing. Such a little effort for such tasty morsels – perfect for the sick, grumpy cook.

The angry lady made us

Shopping

I rarely ever endeavour to leave the safe abode I call my home. It’s comfy, not filled with strangers and I can walk around naked in it(!) and even sexier in granny panties with holes in them(I know there’s someone out there who loves that shit and no I won’t go out with you). Why is my home so comfy? Partly because there’s food there but there are those unfortunate times when I have to venture outside to get more.

Since I don’t get out that often I sometimes spend obscene amounts of time staring at things, things I won't necessarily buy, simply because I become mesmerised. On my last shopping trip it was this.

Club Steak

Now I don’t consider myself a steak aficionado, but it’s steak, right, what’s there to know? Plus, never in my life while I was watching tv have I seen club steak. What is it? Is it steak you eat in the club? Are people eating steaks in clubs now? I honestly wouldn’t know. Then is occurred to me that steak could be considered a fancy food like VIPs are considered fancy people. Perhaps people have always been eating steak in clubs I just wouldn’t know, because I’ve never been cool enough to be allowed to do so. No wonder all those people look so satiated and happy after a wild night of partying it’s just how they do! I suggest a name change to “The Club Steak” just to clarify for the less socially inclined among us. Alternatively, club could be a neat term they use for meat of unknown origin – is it cow, is it goat, is it buffalo?! Do we really care? C’mon.

Mmmmm....parrot stew!

Deodarant

As I stand before an array of deodorant promising me a life never again to be devoid of freshness, I just have to wonder about these weird combinations. Why would I ever want lemongrass and grapefruit, sexy or ocean fresh under my arms? More importantly why am I spending so much time deciding? Then I realize that in this game we call shopping it’s about what makes you the better person – choices have meaning. This is why my armpits are now delightfully lemongrass and grapefruit scented. It's sophiscated yet understated, much like what I often pretend to be. Half an hour well spent! It’s actually quite delicious I could smell myself all day, sorry, I mean I do smell myself all day and this makes me better than you powder fresh!

Slut!

Chocolate

To start off I need to just say that people who don’t eat chocolate by choice should not be considered people and should therefore not be afforded the same rights and freedom as those of us who know better. I know I digress but just think about it. In the meantime I’ll tell you about my ever growing relationship with chocolate. Do you know how many varieties of chocolate there is? A LOT! And when one catches my eye, it’s hard for me to resist. As a result I now have a chocolate stash and as awesome as that sounds I also have to admit that I’m not exactly stuffing my face 24/7 it’s the knowledge of that delectable array being so close at hand that makes me smile. I’m like Silas Marner, but instead of gold coins my booty is stock full of chocolate eggs, bears and biscuits. It also shows what having a little extra money can do and how susceptible I am to packaging with adorable cartoon animals on them – who can resist a funky little bird? Actually, lots of people, including me at one point, I would’ve been like, “I’m sorry funky bird, but I won’t be swayed by your fancy money grubbing jig.” Before you know it I’ll have insurance and medical aid like the rich folk. Also, about those people, we need to do something, no?

Fortunate for me that they don't market crack like this

The Many Roll Man

Towards the end of my shopping trip I notice this guy at the till next to mine. Not because he is hot, sexy or one of the few members of the opposite sex to actually notice me, but rather because he is buying an insane amount of rolls – bread rolls. My first deduction – it’s got to have something to do with drugs? For some reason this has become my default reason for any activity I deem to be suspicious. It’s really something I’m too lazy, right now, to get into plus I don’t particularly care. For instance, when a boyfriend broke up with me, I had my suspicions that something was up, because he began acting strangely. He didn’t call or text as much,  eventually stopped taking my calls and wanted to spend more time with his friends. Obviously he had somehow gotten pulled into the murky world of drugs. When he broke up with me shortly after I couldn’t believe that it was because of me and not because of crack. Anyway, even if this man wasn’t going to use copious amounts of baked goods as a cover to help people to get baked, I couldn’t help but think,”Selfish!” What if someone else wanted a light fluffy roll to accompany the unique flavour of their goat buffalo boerewors? More likely he was just having lots of people around, they were going to have an awesome party and make amazing memories. Then again I wouldn 't know much about that sort of thing.

Me eating chocolate in the dark

  

Flirt Fail

My attempt at face to face flirting hasn’t been going down too well. Ask the cute guy who works at the coffee shop I just happen to be frequenting. He’ll probably be like, “Who?!” mostly because my idea of flirting is to look at him(intently), while he makes my coffee and think, “Damn, you’re so cutecutecutecutecute, oh.” Also, it doesn’t help that he hardly even looks at me when I go in there. Not even the usual client patron fake courtesy – NOTHING!!! He might as well just spit the coffee in my face and say, “There you go, curly head!” The coffee’s pretty good so I’d probably still go there, except when I’m wearing a nice top, duh!

So, I’ve been thinking that the internet might be my saving grace. And, no, not because of all the porn I could get to fill up those lonely hours. Rather because of online dating. I could attract someone by pretending to be something I’m not and keep the show up until he’s too lazy to find someone else. Yes, I’m after the real thing here.

Luckily, I’m ahead of the pack. I don’t happen to have many hobbies as my criteria for it involves doing as little as possible. Preferably, I should be able to do it whilst sitting/lying. That’s why I like eating in bed and the internet. Particularly, I have what you might call a thing for reading up on relationship advice. I would be lying if I said I visited these sites to laugh at the sometimes crazy advice complete strangers give out to the sometimes desperate. I view it as if preparing for a test. You never know when it’s going to happen or what it’s even going to be about. For this test you need to know ALL THINGS! Oneday when I do find someone I will know exactly what to do in every situation. BAM!

What I’ve learnt from hours of internet trawling is this – everything I’ve ever done in every relationship I’ve been in, thus far, is wrong. Like did you guys know that men don’t like clingy women? Really?! Do you mean to say that calling someone 15 times, within the space of a few hours, isn’t sexy? Even if I’m wearing lingerie? According to all those relationship blogs that’s suffocating and creepy. Good to know. Also, being jealous and possessive isn’t good either. I honestly thought that access or possible access to my vagina, however limited, bought me exclusive rights to own your ass. Not so I’ve come to learn. I’ve yet to relay this information to my vagina, I’m not looking forward to that. Relationships are about space and letting people be who they are. But not too much space because then he’ll think that you’re not interested and will inevitably use that as an excuse to have random sex with someone. Now I really wouldn’t want that. As a mature individual I enjoy the idea of obligatory sex followed by watching tv, you know, because tv’s my reward.

So, now I feel I have adequate information on my side to tackle online dating, but the minute I go onto a site I freeze. Then like with everything that’s supposed to be fun in my life I get SERIOUS about it. I start thinking about it way too much, “What are people really doing here?” They’re here to find love, apart from the people who just want to have sex, but apart from those people I feel the love theory isn’t completely dismissable. Then I get more uncomfortable because what I know about love is laughable. Seriously, I choose to trust the opinion of complete strangers above my own, this should tell you something. Yes, I am an idiot. I’m not trying to be endearingly self-deprecating here, because if you were to take a look at my relationship record I think you couldn’t help but agree.

I don’t like these sites, because I feel it takes away one of those factors which I’ve learnt to covet over the years. The chance meeting and that weird chemistry that’s just there, like crazy magic(or maybe just crazy crazy). That’s romantic me, which is also the me that I can blame for making all those horrendous, borderline insane relationship decisions. In my twenties I wanted the spontaneous, grand love…the stuff you see on movies, the stuff you sing-a-long with on love songs. You know what, I got it. It was a big disappointment. For instance I had a guy write a song about me once. This is always something I thought I wanted. Then I listened to the song and it was bad and I really didn’t like it! Also, I was later to find out that he’d written songs for about 12 other people making the gesture appear seemingly less special. It goes for smaller things too like making up after a fight, however, getting a huge bunch of flowers and a crappy poem doesn’t feel at all good when this is what you’re doing every few weeks. At the end all gestures become meaningless, sometimes even funny.

Yes, it does boil down to the fact that these were dysfunctional situations and I’m not saying that people in healthy relationships don’t do this sort of thing, but they do other stuff too like treat each other with respect and consideration every day. It’s the "every day" thing which is important, because it’s honestly what was sorely missing from my relationships,  from my side as well as the person I was dating. You know why? It’s about consistency, something I wasn’t very into when I was younger. The grand gesture is easier, because you only have to put in the occasional effort and since it’s supposed to be “big” it means you’re covered for the next few more months until guilt sets in and needs easing. This applies to friendships as well. The thing is you don’t build lasting relationships like this. After years of this kind of behaviour I found myelf with almost no real relationships to speak of. Those I did have were because those people chose not to fuck off while I was up my own ass.

I wouldn’t say I’m as bad as I used to be, at the same time though it’s really hard to undo years of behaviour and as a result my default responses are often very off. I guess this is why I’ve resorted to looking up advice, because deep down I don’t completely trust myself yet and I don’t want to rehash those past mistakes. Putting this on a blog where anyone could see this probably isn’t good advertising – coffee boy, it’s too late to look away, isn’t it?! It could also just attract freaks, although they probably don’t like sites with too many words. I’m not too concerned though because when I was up my ass I didn’t know it. Another thing I didn’t know was that Mr Emotionally Unavailable was, well, emotionally unavailable(it’s in the name Dummy!) to me he was perfect simply because he was with me. Plus, I'm employing a new defence mechanism I call it - expecting you to do what you say you’re going to do.

Just like the Four Tops

For years I was trying to figure out what I’d be doing as a, “Career! Career! Career!” as Stephan Malkmus sings in Cut Your Hair. In my third year of university, as I was diligently working towards my BA in English Lit.(“instead of law or something more practical”), I did in fact get a new haircut, which maybe was my 1^st mistake, the song does not suggest this. Also, by diligently working towards my degree I mean actually reading some of my setworks, some of the time or only partly. Come to my fourth year and still not knowing what to do, I just floundered really, it happens.

Only after much trial and error and tears and more new hair cuts was I able to see somewhat more clearly. One of the few things I’ve been able to ascertain in my 27yrs of being alive, 25 of which were spent on cloud cuckoo cuckoo land, I do the things I love without even thinking about it. If you know me perhaps the first thing that will come to mind would be talking, because I do it a lot and about all things! However, there are a few other things to add to this list like cooking, singing and writing. I am obsessed. I have spent countless nights just thinking about food, fantasizing about recipes I desperately want to try out. In fact, one of my favourite things to do is to read menus, those little takeaway pamphlets bring me untold joy. As for singing I just do it whilst doing just about anything. Count your blessings if I’m not comfortable with you yet, because I’m afraid I’ll irritate you with my incessant singing. Don’t worry this won’t last very long, because soon I’ll be annoying you with the latest song I love.

Writing has been a bit different though. One of the things that characterised being a student is writing, all the time. And in my case it was writing about writing about writing etc etc. By the end of an unfinished masters I had had enough of it. Before that I imagined that oneday I would possibly write, but after 2½ yrs of what felt like fruitless research and … writing, I all but jettisoned the idea. Understandably, I was smarting from my failed experience, “I shall never write again!” I wrote to a trusted friend. One of the things I had to get over was the thought that I hadn’t finished my masters because I was dumb and couldn’t write. I didn’t dislike writing I was simply afraid of it because I thought that I was genuinely bad at it. But much like food and singing – I couldn’t stop myself. When I go through my old stuff, there are notebooks of writing. A lot of the time there wasn’t anything concrete, just thoughts, ideas or quotes. There are also my diaries and letters written to friends.

About a year down the line and I was starting to feel happy and healthy again. I slowly started writing things and having ideas for things to write. Ag, but it wasn’t serious, it never is, right? Then I read Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet I think, like many before me, I felt as if I was reading something written especially for me. Sometime after that I found a gift given to me by a Sunday school teacher of mine. It was a diary and on the inside she’d written something very special, “I want to be the first to read your book!” I’d completely forgotten about this. I couldn’t have been more than 9 and what got me at the time was that this message was written in fancy handwriting. What got me now, almost two decades later, was the fact that even then I was talking about being a writer. There are those unfortunate moments in our young lives when an unwitting adult puts into question the veracity of that which you love most. This was the exact opposite of that and I think it’s something that has stuck with me, without me even realising it. In a big way I’m writing because of it, because an adult took a little girl seriously and went to the trouble of putting it down on paper.

The cheesy conclusion is this - if you love something you just do it. Not because you’re good at it or because people will praise you for it but because in the words of Orange Juice, “Just like the Four Tops, I can’t help myself!” Clap! Clap!

Pancakes for dinner

I was craving pancakes yesterday. So, I rushed home, whipped up a batch and then had it for dinner. I can't say how very proud I am of myself for doing that! It's not like it was really my choice though, because there's very little that can come between me and one of my cravings. But since pancakes for dinner is not an every day occurrence it was a good break from the monotony of the week. Wednesdays can be a serious drag and yesterday was a corker. For a minute I did have a moment of insanity and thought, "Ja, but, should you really be having pancakes for dinner?" Fortuntely, I was able to snap back into a more reasonable frame of mind, "If not pancakes, why not pancakes?"

5 seconds later

Another 5 seconds later

then ...

... nothing!