A Letter to my Future Boyfriend

Firstly, congratulations! You get to be in a relationship with me. Secondly, thank you, because it’s not going to be easy. I assume you already know this on some or other level since I wouldn’t be calling you my boyfriend without us knowing some of our least appealing qualities. For example, I think I am extremely funny - this letter is a long drawn out example of that. Initially, it was meant as a how to on how to date me, with lists of my faults and tips on how to deal with them. I decided against that because there really are just too many to mention. So, instead, I should perhaps share my hopes, dreams and fears for the future with you. We should know that about each other, right?  I’m sure you have dreams. Maybe I’ll even end up sharing them with you, if they’re not boring. And if they are, I’ll just pretend I do because I want to be a good partner to you.

I’m not sleeping I’m just concentrating really hard

 We should by now know a few of each other’s likes and dislikes. I’m also sure we’re still pretending that we like stuff about each other that we don’t, but you probably like having sex and I have no qualms about withholding it, so this may continue for awhile. That’s normal and will pass.  If you’re asking, “The pretence or the sex?” My answer: “Let’s not kill all the mystery just yet.” So be prepared for marathon screenings of Cougar Town where I’ll point out all the scenes I find funny(you find them funny too, by the way). You’ll also have to listen to my compositions on the guitar, keeping in mind that I only know five chords.

Sing along. Duck, chicken, goat, rabbit, dooooooog!

Since you’re reading this I’m guessing you may want to take a look at some of the other posts. Like this one! I look really cute in that picture, don’t you think? Turn away, you could be there for hours. BEWARE: Not all my posts are as magical or enchanting. A few deal with how not good I can occasionally be in relationships. How I am grumpy, lazy, delusional and neurotic. Yes, I get a little crazy, and not the good in the club kind of crazy.

Sometimes I’m both at the same time

But there are nice things about me too. Look, I like making food. And when I’m not obsessing about what our converging thoughts on the meaning of the word ‘space’ could be, I’ll want to hear you talk about yourself and the things you like. I want to get to know you, you know. That’s an exciting as well as terrifying thought. I’m probably more excited than terrified, but so as not to freak you out, I’ll try to hide this fact. There’ll be jumping, skipping and silly dance moves for no reason. Sorry, and feel free to leave the room. No, don’t(!) because that might just hurt my feelings and seems a bit harsh for an expression of joy. Getting back on track, I suppose what I’ve been trying to say is that clearly I am not perfect, but that means you don’t have to be perfect either. For instance, you may not have great taste in music, and yes I will judge you for that, but I’m not going anywhere. Oh! That’s another one of my annoying qualities – I’m like a bulldog. I’m a stubborn bitch!

Let’s cuddle

Letting go isn’t easy for me, because getting involved isn’t easy in the 1^st place. That’s not your responsibility, I know, but it’s something of which I feel you should be aware. I’ve spent a large chunk of my life pretending that I’m cool with things that I’m not. I used to think this was part of growing up but after being slapped countless times in the face by my own stupidity, I realized something – I am not cool. I can’t not care, even if it’s the one thing I really want to do at the time. In actual fact, I care more when I try not to – such joy! One of the main reasons I behaved in this way was because I thought it was what men wanted. If there was a remote chance that a guy would find something I did unattractive, I wouldn’t do it. 

No, I’m not choking. Want to make out?

So dumb, I know! But just because I can be silly (and it’s only really most of the time), doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I have a heart too. And if reading this has freaked you out to the point where you’d rather pretend to be washing your hair than hang out with me, then you should probably put down that cupcake I baked for you and go. However, if you’re only slightly freaked out but still keen, then get over here, right now, and give me a kiss!