Shopping

I rarely ever endeavour to leave the safe abode I call my home. It’s comfy, not filled with strangers and I can walk around naked in it(!) and even sexier in granny panties with holes in them(I know there’s someone out there who loves that shit and no I won’t go out with you). Why is my home so comfy? Partly because there’s food there but there are those unfortunate times when I have to venture outside to get more.

Since I don’t get out that often I sometimes spend obscene amounts of time staring at things, things I won't necessarily buy, simply because I become mesmerised. On my last shopping trip it was this.

Club Steak

Now I don’t consider myself a steak aficionado, but it’s steak, right, what’s there to know? Plus, never in my life while I was watching tv have I seen club steak. What is it? Is it steak you eat in the club? Are people eating steaks in clubs now? I honestly wouldn’t know. Then is occurred to me that steak could be considered a fancy food like VIPs are considered fancy people. Perhaps people have always been eating steak in clubs I just wouldn’t know, because I’ve never been cool enough to be allowed to do so. No wonder all those people look so satiated and happy after a wild night of partying it’s just how they do! I suggest a name change to “The Club Steak” just to clarify for the less socially inclined among us. Alternatively, club could be a neat term they use for meat of unknown origin – is it cow, is it goat, is it buffalo?! Do we really care? C’mon.

Mmmmm....parrot stew!

Deodarant

As I stand before an array of deodorant promising me a life never again to be devoid of freshness, I just have to wonder about these weird combinations. Why would I ever want lemongrass and grapefruit, sexy or ocean fresh under my arms? More importantly why am I spending so much time deciding? Then I realize that in this game we call shopping it’s about what makes you the better person – choices have meaning. This is why my armpits are now delightfully lemongrass and grapefruit scented. It's sophiscated yet understated, much like what I often pretend to be. Half an hour well spent! It’s actually quite delicious I could smell myself all day, sorry, I mean I do smell myself all day and this makes me better than you powder fresh!

Slut!

Chocolate

To start off I need to just say that people who don’t eat chocolate by choice should not be considered people and should therefore not be afforded the same rights and freedom as those of us who know better. I know I digress but just think about it. In the meantime I’ll tell you about my ever growing relationship with chocolate. Do you know how many varieties of chocolate there is? A LOT! And when one catches my eye, it’s hard for me to resist. As a result I now have a chocolate stash and as awesome as that sounds I also have to admit that I’m not exactly stuffing my face 24/7 it’s the knowledge of that delectable array being so close at hand that makes me smile. I’m like Silas Marner, but instead of gold coins my booty is stock full of chocolate eggs, bears and biscuits. It also shows what having a little extra money can do and how susceptible I am to packaging with adorable cartoon animals on them – who can resist a funky little bird? Actually, lots of people, including me at one point, I would’ve been like, “I’m sorry funky bird, but I won’t be swayed by your fancy money grubbing jig.” Before you know it I’ll have insurance and medical aid like the rich folk. Also, about those people, we need to do something, no?

Fortunate for me that they don't market crack like this

The Many Roll Man

Towards the end of my shopping trip I notice this guy at the till next to mine. Not because he is hot, sexy or one of the few members of the opposite sex to actually notice me, but rather because he is buying an insane amount of rolls – bread rolls. My first deduction – it’s got to have something to do with drugs? For some reason this has become my default reason for any activity I deem to be suspicious. It’s really something I’m too lazy, right now, to get into plus I don’t particularly care. For instance, when a boyfriend broke up with me, I had my suspicions that something was up, because he began acting strangely. He didn’t call or text as much,  eventually stopped taking my calls and wanted to spend more time with his friends. Obviously he had somehow gotten pulled into the murky world of drugs. When he broke up with me shortly after I couldn’t believe that it was because of me and not because of crack. Anyway, even if this man wasn’t going to use copious amounts of baked goods as a cover to help people to get baked, I couldn’t help but think,”Selfish!” What if someone else wanted a light fluffy roll to accompany the unique flavour of their goat buffalo boerewors? More likely he was just having lots of people around, they were going to have an awesome party and make amazing memories. Then again I wouldn 't know much about that sort of thing.

Me eating chocolate in the dark