Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Hot Tears of Shame

The past few weeks have been crazy. I went from being unemployed a month ago, to doing some freelance work, training as a waitress and then getting a job. I also decided that I needed to get over my online dating phobia and joined a site. It’s all been a little overwhelming at times, but mostly wonderful and very educational.

The reason why I found myself in this “crazy” situation was because I decided to leave my job. It had become just unbearable and was making me sad. It was by no means an easy choice and I knew that I would be exchanging one set of anxieties for another. I had reached the point where my mental and emotional wellbeing had to be put first. I left scared shitless. I had enough money to cover me for a few months, but still, you know how it goes with money. However, part of me was just relieved that I was no longer waking up in the morning going to a place that filled me with such intense dread.

The first week was great. I relaxed a lot. And began feeling like my old self again, but by the third week I found myself close to tears, admonishing myself with, “I’m so sick of you!” What the third week of unemployment had taught me was that being at home, with so much time on my hands, was not for me. Mostly because I was no closer to finding a job and doing nothing makes you feel like nothing. It was a pretty lonely and scary place. I was lucky to have the most supportive friends and family. Not one person questioned my decision to quit my job. Everyone offered some sort of help whether they knew it or not. Whether it was an encouraging email, buying me breakfast or just listening to me talk, it all helped and I would never have gotten through those first weeks without it. What was difficult though was going to bed at night and being alone with my thoughts. This blog seems to have become dedicated to my follies while being single and it really has helped me to laugh at myself. But in those moments it became harder to laugh when I had no one to hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay, when I didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen next. Yes, deep down, I knew I’d be okay, but sometimes it’s just nice to hear it.

Even though all of this happened fairly recently I can’t remember when things started changing. One day I was contacted to do some freelance work. Then, soon after, my friend had arranged an interview for me at a restaurant. Soon where I had no job, I now had two. It may not have been enough to cover rent and all my expenses but it was a welcome addition to my diminishing savings. Most importantly it gave me something to do. But I still had quite a lot of time on my hands and I decided to do something I’d been playing around with for awhile – starting a food blog. And on my 28th birthday I “launched” The Singular Cook. Which isn’t dissimilar to this blog, because it’s about me being single, but with stronger emphasis on what I decide to stuff in my mouth. Oh! It’s actually exactly like this blog.

I also decided that it had been way too long since I had performed on stage. This is where the title of this post comes in. Hot Tears of Shame is a name inspired by my friend Leigh who described the agonizing experience of having to perform in front of others. It seemed perfect for what I wanted to do. You see after I left my job I decided life was too short to wait for someone to perform with. I would take my mediocre guitar skills, okay vocals and underwhelm the patrons of a certain bar, in the Southern Suburbs. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your attitude), this bar no longer offered an open mic. However, the planets shifted, the stars aligned so that little old me would, in fact, experience her own rather unexpected Hot Tears of Shame. Thanks, Jupiter!

Let’s get back to the fact that I joined a dating site! Ha! If I had posted this a week ago, I would’ve said something like, “It’s been SO much fun!” But this past weekend I had my first date, so now the fun in that sentence would have to be replaced by the word “humiliation” or “mortified”. Even though I thought I’d gotten to know myself really well when it comes to my issues with men, nothing is more humbling than having this played out with a real guy. I won’t go into details, but let me just say that after two years of, well, nothing in that department, it felt nice to get even a little attention. I just got so far ahead of myself that I blew it! I can laugh about it now and to be quite honest I can’t even be that hard on myself. If you’ve read the contents of this blog, it should be clear that there’s no way this date would not have been filled with unrealistic expectations and hope on my side. Completely inappropriate, yes, but then again I’m not a perfect person, I’m just an okay person. Plus, delusion is one of my things. And after that experience, it makes the idea of singing out of key and playing the wrong chords in front of complete strangers somewhat appealing.

That’s everything in a nutshell! Fear, success and humiliation. Exactly what I never imagined my life to be, but to get sentimental, I wouldn’t exchange it. I’m a ridiculous creature and to fight that would be a futile and exhausting task. I should know, because I’ve spent so much of my life doing just that.  This post is really meant to thank everyone who stood by me. Everyone who accepts the silly person I am and only sometimes makes fun of her. Seriously, you guys could do it all the time. Thanks!