My Strategy for 2014

I spent the majority of my Christmas break tuning into SadFM – easy listening for the perpetually single. This wasn’t what I had planned for myself. I was supposed to get into shape by doing yoga everyday, eating vegetables and pretending that I enjoy eating vegetables. I was supposed to get my mind in shape by reading everyday, writing amazing blog posts and maybe even start a book.

Figure 1: Not me

Clearly none of THAT happened. I was too busy being piled into a heap of self trying to piece together 2013. Yip, it’s been a rollercoaster ride, and I use that analogy because I am terrified of rollercoasters. Having spoken to a few people, it seems that it has been a crazy year for many. I don’t know if life has actually always been this way and I’m just not as much in denial as I was. Or if it just gets more challenging as you get older. Whatever the reason, it’s been hard and as happy as I am to see the end of it, it’s made me slightly apprehensive for the year ahead. Apprehensive not necessarily because I don’t think I can handle what’s to come—I just don’t feel like it. So, yes, I dread 2013 because of laziness.

Okay only partly because of laziness. I might be happy to say goodbye to 2013, but I also have to be honest and admit that it has been very good to me. I’ve learnt a lot, I’ve grown, blah, blah, blah, self-development etc etc. However, what stands out most for me is this little gem, that 2013 so generously gave me over and over again, which is - life doesn’t run according to the script in my head.  Thank you 2013! Because every time I thought it would you were just like, “Fuck that shit!” Yes, the shit was thoroughly fucked. 

We all know what life does to this

That’s half the reason I’m covering my eyes at the sight of 2014, I am scared. If I don’t know what’s going to happen, it means that anything could happen. ANYTHING!!! And anything could involve a lot of things I don’t like. If I were being optimistic I could say, “Oh! But that’s just the wonder that makes life SO magical!” Firstly, shut up! Secondly, the thing is sometimes I just don’t want magical. I’m too tired for magic and mystery. I don’t want the Heston Blumenthal dish, I just want beans on toast. Beans on toast, that’s all I ask of you, life!!!

But I know myself and the minute I get beans on toast, I’ll be like, “But why am I only getting beans on toast?” The saying you’re never happy with what you’ve got comes to mind here. The funny thing about growing up is that it’s just so very funny. In the midst of one’s deepest humiliation and failure therein lies the joke – you, you sad pathetic loser. And it’s okay to be that loser, my problem was in not admitting that I was one.

Denial anyone?

Just as you learn one thing, you learn that the exact opposite can be true also. Life never stops. Things never stop changing. The best strategy for that? Acceptance. Like that gift you got from your relative that you didn’t actually want. It’s okay not to happy with it at first. It’s okay to hide it in the cupboard and pretend it doesn’t exist for awhile. But eventually it just takes up unnecessary space and it’s either time to chuck it or make some sort of use out of it. This can be hard, especially if you’ve hinted for months about you really, really wanted and half of the anger comes from the fact that you wonder if people ever really listen to you.

Enough with the complaining though, as I could go on indefinitely. Let me now focus on the positives of the past year and of budding 2014:

I’ve got a gammon in the freezer                                 

I’ve gained considerable boob weight, as a result of large amounts of food consumption. It now nicely balances out my bum.

Although I’m still single, I can rest assured that I am indeed “great” company (albeit not “GREAT” enough to be in a relationship with).

So, I’ll forge ahead with 2014! With my trusted allies singleness, pork and boobs at my side. Coincidentally, that also happens to be the name of my next single.

Available at(not a single) store near you!