Tuesday, January 21, 2014

A Well Timed Apology

I recently read an article that stated that men are less likely to want to be in a long term relationship with a funny woman. Wow, this was simply mind blowing for me! I never considered the fact that a smart, funny lady made man parts sad. One of my first responses was to write this blog post, because, as a woman, with a blog (two actually), I felt I needed to contribute to the debate. If any man, at any point, has read S.O.D., and thought the contents funny, I sincerely apologise, as this was never my intention. If the research is true, this blog should have meant that I would be in a relationship by now. Although I know myself to be very far from witty and humorous, I am afraid that some of my failed attempts at humour, were actually mistaken for being so. Please, men of the world, discard this, if its what you mistakenly believe! I am neither funny nor smart. Let me explain the logic. Its been a long time now that science discovered that a womans brain is indeed controlled by her ovaries. Ovaries want babies. And how does one go about getting a baby? By making love to a mans penis. Science also showed that ovaries can be vengeful. They hate sitting around month after month waiting to be fertilised. When theyre not, they get angry and cause a woman to bleed from her sex hole, sorry, one of her sex holes. It is also known that the deep recesses of a womans brain start to deteriorate the longer she remains unfertilised. This commonly starts to happen in her mid to late twenties. These women, and this will come as no surprise, are usually single.

The deterioration continues at a steady pace, until such time as a woman is able to find a man to jack her up*. If not, the decline of her mental faculties often leads her to behave in such a way that will in fact repulse men. The longer a woman remains single, the less likely she is to find a man to be with her in a relationship, therefore making her more repulsive with time. One of the manifestations of this deterioration is a false sense of confidence and intelligence, which thus leads to a woman being funny. Obviously, a woman can never really be funny, so it is more that she believes that she is so. This is proven by the fact that there are indeed no funny women out there. Ask yourself the question, have you ever met a funny woman? Have you ever wondered how, if a guy said the exact same thing, it would be funny? Well, just remember science ovaries! Funniness in a woman has therefore become an evolutionary marker to men. The funnier the woman, the less fertile she is and therefore a less desirable long term mate. So, a funny woman is in fact less funny as in humorous, but more funny as in this-lasagnes-gone-off.

Unfortunately, with age, these women are more likely to surround themselves with other women in similar situations, who will then feed each others delusion with encouragement and support. This further decreases her chances of finding a life mate, as these relationships become substitutes, albeit poor and insubstantial, for the love of a man. The development of the deterioration and the support structures often created to uphold them, mean that some women may actually start to believe that they are as funny, or even funnier than, men. They will develop a repulsion towards such things as rape jokes”, for instance. Even though the term clearly has the word joke in it. This example clearly illustrates the degree to which the brain has weakened over time. There is a misguided notion that either certain subjects should remain off limits. Or, that if dealt with, should be done so delicately and by those with true skill and genius.  If she wasnt a woman, she would know that comedy is the land of no limits. Please keep in mind ovaries.

Now this brings me nicely back to my apology. I never meant to be funny and if ever I was, it was as a result of my angry ovaries. So, men, if thats what has put you off, forget about it! Theres no way Ill ever be smarter or funnier than you. The only reason I dont laugh at your all jokes, is because I simply dont get them all the time. Although I know that they must be funny, because there never has been a truer indicator of taste, quality and intelligence than a penis. And thank God you have one!


*Appropriate term used for making a woman pregnant.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

My Strategy for 2014

I spent the majority of my Christmas break tuning into SadFM – easy listening for the perpetually single. This wasn’t what I had planned for myself. I was supposed to get into shape by doing yoga everyday, eating vegetables and pretending that I enjoy eating vegetables. I was supposed to get my mind in shape by reading everyday, writing amazing blog posts and maybe even start a book.

Figure 1: Not me


Clearly none of THAT happened. I was too busy being piled into a heap of self trying to piece together 2013. Yip, it’s been a rollercoaster ride, and I use that analogy because I am terrified of rollercoasters. Having spoken to a few people, it seems that it has been a crazy year for many. I don’t know if life has actually always been this way and I’m just not as much in denial as I was. Or if it just gets more challenging as you get older. Whatever the reason, it’s been hard and as happy as I am to see the end of it, it’s made me slightly apprehensive for the year ahead. Apprehensive not necessarily because I don’t think I can handle what’s to come—I just don’t feel like it. So, yes, I dread 2013 because of laziness.


Okay only partly because of laziness. I might be happy to say goodbye to 2013, but I also have to be honest and admit that it has been very good to me. I’ve learnt a lot, I’ve grown, blah, blah, blah, self-development etc etc. However, what stands out most for me is this little gem, that 2013 so generously gave me over and over again, which is - life doesn’t run according to the script in my head.  Thank you 2013! Because every time I thought it would you were just like, “Fuck that shit!” Yes, the shit was thoroughly fucked. 

We all know what life does to this


That’s half the reason I’m covering my eyes at the sight of 2014, I am scared. If I don’t know what’s going to happen, it means that anything could happen. ANYTHING!!! And anything could involve a lot of things I don’t like. If I were being optimistic I could say, “Oh! But that’s just the wonder that makes life SO magical!” Firstly, shut up! Secondly, the thing is sometimes I just don’t want magical. I’m too tired for magic and mystery. I don’t want the Heston Blumenthal dish, I just want beans on toast. Beans on toast, that’s all I ask of you, life!!!

But I know myself and the minute I get beans on toast, I’ll be like, “But why am I only getting beans on toast?” The saying you’re never happy with what you’ve got comes to mind here. The funny thing about growing up is that it’s just so very funny. In the midst of one’s deepest humiliation and failure therein lies the joke – you, you sad pathetic loser. And it’s okay to be that loser, my problem was in not admitting that I was one.

Denial anyone?


Just as you learn one thing, you learn that the exact opposite can be true also. Life never stops. Things never stop changing. The best strategy for that? Acceptance. Like that gift you got from your relative that you didn’t actually want. It’s okay not to happy with it at first. It’s okay to hide it in the cupboard and pretend it doesn’t exist for awhile. But eventually it just takes up unnecessary space and it’s either time to chuck it or make some sort of use out of it. This can be hard, especially if you’ve hinted for months about you really, really wanted and half of the anger comes from the fact that you wonder if people ever really listen to you.

Enough with the complaining though, as I could go on indefinitely. Let me now focus on the positives of the past year and of budding 2014:

I’ve got a gammon in the freezer                                 

I’ve gained considerable boob weight, as a result of large amounts of food consumption. It now nicely balances out my bum.

Although I’m still single, I can rest assured that I am indeed “great” company (albeit not “GREAT” enough to be in a relationship with).

So, I’ll forge ahead with 2014! With my trusted allies singleness, pork and boobs at my side. Coincidentally, that also happens to be the name of my next single.

Available at(not a single) store near you!