The Good Guide to Remaining Single Part II

She lay with the covers over her heavy head. She knew it was a cliché. Lying there, in the foetal position. He had left almost half an hour ago. She didn't want to think about it but she was unable to stop herself. He had come upstairs to drink his tea. She motioned to kiss him. He pecked at her like a bird with his tongue, before softly declaring, “I want to go!” The mortification hit her instantly and with that her senses cleared and she saw all too clearly the great delusion she had been nurturing.

It wasn't so much the rejection but the fact that she had unknowingly accosted a stranger in her home. When had she become a predator? It didn't help that she was being bombarded by everyone she had told about her “first date”. It would have to be repeated ten times over. Her shame increasing with every consonant and vowel. Like black and white keys being punched without ceremony. 

She did the only reasonable thing she could think of doing, and that was to go over all the possible reasons why he had rejected her. This would be helpful in future situations, but then again, she wasn’t planning to date after this. No, but she was a reflective individual who always strove to look within herself. Even when it hurt most and even if it were to make things hurt more, in order to grow and become a better person. Naturally.

1)  Her messy flat, an obvious reflection, to some a moral evaluation

2)  The fact that she had commanded him NOT to remove his teabag from his cup

3)  Maybe she had bad breath or body odour

4)  Her jeans were too tight

5)  He thought she was ugly

It could have been any one of these reasons. Perhaps a mixture of some, and maybe even all. The result would ultimately be a congealed mass reason for rejection that could simply be summed up as – YOU. Everything about you at that particular moment was wrong. If you had only made your bed, if you didn't care that tea should be brewed properly you could have been…Could have been what? Not alone, right now.

What had he done? Ooops! That was awkward and he truly did feel bad. He would just pop her a quick SMS to say sorry. He was sorry, but not sorry for being honest. It wasn't right to lead her on. Or lead her on anymore. Phew! The look on her face when he pulled away. He cringed when he thought about it. Ag, she would get over it. She was fun, they could be friends.  Yes, that’s what he would say. They should be friends, because that is what he truly believed. That it was okay to say you wanted to be friends, because in the moment it was true and guilt somehow always likes a good consolation prize. But really when he thought about it, if you take away that uncomfortable ending, it was such a nice date.  He could imagine doing it again and it would be even more fun because the stupid romantic stuff would be out of the way.

 Sue never did end up seeing him again. In fact, weeks later, he died in a tragic cycling accident. One of his last thoughts had been of Sue, their date and how his fear had prevented him from taking things where he really wanted them to go to. Death does not often deny one the sobering facts that one denies oneself of during life. In the bottom of his backpack lay a letter written hastily on the back of a fast food flyer. It was addressed to Sue.

Dear Sue,

I know the way I treated you was wrong. The truth is you were not what I expected and I have to admit that scared me. I could’ve sat all afternoon and just listened to you speak. That’s what I really wanted. Ha! So, I followed you to the beach and to your place...we know what happened. You were brave enough to show your emotions, to make a move and I was a coward. But can you blame me?! If you were everything I thought you were I feared I could not live up to you, that I was not good enough. At the time, I told myself it was an issue of attraction. Actually it was, I was, am so incredibly attracted to you. Your laugh, your intelligence, the way you almost walked into the door. I saw it and thought it was adorable! I just couldn’t let you know that I did, that I was so into you.

Believe me, I am. And I know this is probably late. That someone else has already shown you the interest you deserve, but I’d like to see you again. And again after that and after that. I know this is crazy but I just know when it comes to a woman, I just do and I know with you. I can only ask that you will consider allowing me the privilege to take you out again. To give me a second chance, even though I know I don’t deserve it.

Adam

Or at least this is what Sue liked to imagine would have been the proper romantic conclusion to this non affair – Adam dying. Not the boring clash of schedules and the fact that neither was willing to make changes in those schedules. She obviously couldn't be the one who died, she had too much she still wanted to do!

A few weeks after the date he asked her if she wanted to go to The Breadbox Market with him. She had to refuse  but only because she was out of town. Sue sighed as she imagined them bonding over artisan pizza, sprinkled with prosciutto and rocket. They would sit on a hay bales, music in the background, with their 11 o’clock mojitos and maybe something would happen. He would see another side of her. The Breadbox Market side of her! Although, these trips invariably cost more than she thought they deserved afterwards. However, being away could prove to him that she was an individual who went away on weekends! Like she imagined fun, spontaneous people did. Even though she had moved on from the humiliation of his rejection of her she still wanted him to like her, actually even more so because of the rejection. Mostly because if he were to change his mind she would be in the position to reject him. Which she would not do, no! What he would be aware of was that she had that power and chose not to use it. They would both know it and this would bring them closer to one another and they would be very happy as a result, because of her.

Upon receiving her reply he turned on his side and went back to sleep. He had made the effort!