You know it's going to be a bad day when...

The sound of birds chirping makes you want to kill

The birds, of course! Because I haven't had a good night's rest and they decide to wake me up at 5 o' clock, in the morning. Afterwhich, it is impossible to fall asleep again. I spend the next hour ruing their existence and even contemplate reading To Kill a Mockingbird, until later I discover this is not a manual on how to kill birds that mock your existence, at 5 o' clock in the morning!!!

You're running late and you can only find one shoe

This is one of the greatest dilemmas of my life - how the fuck do you misplace one shoe? If it was the pair I could understand, but one! You see, as far as my logic goes you take your shoes off at the same time, in the same place. This is a mystery I've yet to solve. And, this invariably happens at the crucial time when I could just get to the train station on time not to be late for work. Things like this make me believe that evil really does exist and that shoes are agents of the devil. As least mine are!


You discover a big stain on the sweater you're wearing

But it's too late to go home now, because it took me 15minutes to find my shoe, in the dirty washing(the pile in the bedroom, not the lounge). So, I try to rearrange my scarf and contort my arms, to hide the offensive curry stain. All the while berating myself for continuing to eat whilst wearing clothes. I know by now that only about 80% of food I eat enters my mouth via cutlery, the rest I usually lick off my clothes or carpet, or whatever surface it manages to fall on. At this point I'm in such an unnatural position that passers-by stare, and I can see they're wondering what's wrong with me. I ask myself that question all the time.


As a result the following will probably occur during the course of the day:

(1) I will shout/scowl at innocent co-workers.
(2) I will cry, because my dirty sweater makes me realise how much I hate my job.
(3) Dissatisfaction with job will lead to emotional eating of KFC hot wings.
(4) I will cry, again, because I ate hot wings and now I am fat.

These days are called Mondays. God said, "Let there be Monday" and there was Monday. Sometimes when God needs a bit of a laugh he makes every day of the week a Monday. This also happens when a person or group of people piss off God . Thanks, atheists!