Today I am sick and tired. Of my job, mainly. Today I don’t want to smile and pretend that I find you funny, or that I want to talk to you. All I really want is to slap you in the face. No, not slap, but punch. Because part of me growing as a person means I’ve become more assertive. So, in my mind, when I assault people, I no longer do it with a polite, Victorian slap. Fuck it, I didn’t do Taebo as a teenager for nothing. BILLY BLANKS!!!
You know
what I hate most?
EVERYTHING:
-
The
office
-
The
work
-
THE
PEOPLE – ALL THE PEOPLE
I feel very
lucky to have a job. I’m happy that it gives me the opportunity to do things I
love doing – like eating chocolate. Most days I am okay. But today I feel like
I am going to explode. I’m so angry and I don’t really allow myself to get
angry very often, because I’m afraid men won’t find me attractive. However, on
this day, I’m willing to risk a life of loneliness and being eaten by my very
own cats. And you know what?! I couldn’t even blame them. I’m not a big cat fan
anyway.
 |
| Hates duplicity |
Like I
said, this day isn’t much different to any other. Every now and then I get this
feeling. Most times I can laugh about it. “Ha-ha!” that’s the sound of
laughter, right? That’s certainly the sound the voices in my head make when
they taunt me. They can be cruel. Funny, but cruel. So, even whilst wading in
my pool of anger, I know it’s not the job. It’s me.
Yes, like with most things in my life, the problem
lies - with me. Can’t I just blame someone else for once?! Like Freddy Krueger,
he was really nasty. But since Freddy Krueger has nothing to with this, not
that I’m aware of, I’ve had to do that little thing called introspection. What
I’ve learnt from working is that I’m not the easiest person to be around. I am
incredibly short and moody. It’s that rare kind of S&M no one likes. A lot of my gripes are as a result of my
unrealistic Hollywood expectations not coming
to fruition. I know it’s rude and wrong for me to scowl at the office boy
because he’s not Donald Glover.
 |
| I'm sorry(you're not this) office boy |
Thing is,
I’m still a person, with sensibilities. Certain things are going to make me
feel sad. I’m aware that I can be over sensitive, but, at the same time, I
think, there are situations that should upset you. And, I guess, it’s that
feeling of helplessness in the wake of that anger that’s getting to me. If I
see something that I am morally averse to, what am I going to do about it? In
this instance, did I speak up? No. Instead, I wrote this. And for that I feel
like a bit of a coward. I’m not sure what this means. Other than that I have a
lot to consider. Which itself will take time and patience, something I’m not at
all good at. It’s definitely going to be a challenge. Sometimes it just feels
like no matter how hard you try, you can’t escape that nagging feeling. That
voice inside, whispering, “Is this it?”
 |
| It's actually Billy Blanks, the mouse, whispering |
